a baby boy and a mommas love

Here I am reminiscing over the past year as we prepare to celebrate your first birthday. I cannot even believe for one second that you will soon be one! It's true when they say that the days pass slow, but the years pass wayyyy too fast. It's been a beautiful journey as I learn your ways and understand what makes you, you. 

You came into this world in the most unpredictable way. It was 9pm on Feb 1st, I was 38 weeks pregnant. Dad and I labored at home on and off for just a few short hours and with you being our first baby with so much unknown, we decided to head to the hospital hoping to meet you oh so soon. Little did we know that it would be another 24hrs to finally meet you. When I felt like I couldn't endure the pain any longer we tried for an epidural which, much to my surprise, my body didn't respond too. Then another 3 hrs later we tried for another epidural with the hospital's head anesthesiologist which didn't work either {are you kidding me}. Your sweet little head was sunny side up as you tried for the next 12hrs to make your way out into this world. Your dad was my greatest strength through every insanely difficult contraction. He held my hand as my grip turned his hand an awful shade of red. He carried my heart like glass with such care each time I felt like I couldn't make it any further. Your aunties, my sisters, my entourage, massaged my neck, feet and hands to try and help me relax. Your grandmas and grandpas prayed for us every step of the way, taking turns caring for your dad and I. We were so very blessed to have the crew we had. At 11:45pm after being at the hospital for 24hrs, I had been pushing for sometime and wasn't getting anywhere. Being a nurse myself didn't help on those last few pushes as I saw the look on my midwife's face as she watched the monitors. Your little heart rate kept dropping and with every push your head would not progress and your heart rate began to plummet. Our amazing, caring, loving and wise midwife made the decision for a c-section. I never thought in a million years that I would need to be sectioned. It never even once crossed my mind.

As they wheeled me back to the OR and slid me onto the table, I was ready for this whole thing to be over and meet you, sweet boy. They pushed more medication through my existing epidural line hoping that the spinal block medication would work. They pushed a few more times and I could tell things were becoming a cluster when anesthesiology said that they couldn't give my body anymore medication. They said I was already over the max dose. You see, nothing was numbing like it should. Everytime they would poke my belly I could feel it, like really feel it, and not just pressure. I kept asking where my husband was and they finally said, they were going to have to put me to sleep and that he couldn't be in the room and that they needed to get the baby out right now. I asked the anesthesiologist if I could hold his hand and as he held my hand, with tears in my eyes I said to him, "What if I don't wake up…" He looked at me with confidence and said, "We are just going to pray that that doesn't happen." At 12:10am on February 3rd you made your entrance into the world. I wasn't awake to hear your first cries, but your dad said that he heard the whole thing standing outside the OR doors, anxiously waiting to meet you. At 1:30 I woke up and your daddy was the first person my eyes met and not a day goes by that I am not extremely thankful for that. He told me you were a beautiful baby and that you were a healthy 8 lbs 3 oz. No wonder you weren't coming out. I finally got to meet you for the very first time and goodness, you were everything and more that I ever dreamed you'd be. A couple of days later we rolled out of the hospital and began our journey of knowing and loving you on this side of the belly. Our story of your arrival was unique to say the least, but it's our story and I have learned to love it. 

My first year of motherhood has been more about learning what I am, who I've become and who I want to be. I am exhausted, impatient, feeling totally empty at times. Motherhood has shown me that when I get to the end of myself, God is always there to meet me with the grace and strength I need. The way I love you and the passion behind that love has only allowed me to connect even more to the love the Father has for me. It's unlocked another part of my heart that reminds me of what limitless, unconditional love looks like. 

Ren, I have learned many, many things since becoming your mom. You have taught me to live, love and roll with it. I can't believe that your vocabulary only consists of three words and you daily teach me more than most. You make me make promises to myself about the person I want to be for you and when I break those promises, your grace and love outshine any and every mistake.

Baby boy, you are good, you will always be worth it, you are kind and your heart is gold. Never stop growing, learning and being my best little friend. 

I love you. 

Love, Momma