find you here
It was April 13th, 2017 and we were over the moon to go to our first 8 week appointment with the OB we had chosen, the one whom we had spent hours researching, making sure he was a good fit for us. We were excited, nervous, but mostly ecstatic that we were having another baby. We dropped our little boy off at my sister's house hoping to justt get time together, just the two of us at our appointment.
There's always a small, sometimes big fear every time two pink lines appear on a pregnancy test for me. When Aaron and I got pregnant the first time back in 2014 we went in for a 6 week appointment and although it wasn't covered through insurance at that time, I begged for an ultrasound, at any cost. My midwife finally complied and shortly into the scan we realized something wasn't right. There wasn't a growing baby inside my belly. My heart sank. I was devastated. There aren't any words to describe the shattered dreams that weigh heavier than anything I've ever carried. Thoughts flooded my mind, "Is there something wrong with me? Will I ever be able to have kids? Why me?" the list goes on.
Six weeks later we were shocked, excited, thrilled, so scared and not feeling quite ready, but those two pink lines appeared again. I was honestly terrified. So terrified that I didn't even schedule an appointment with my midwife (let alone tell her I was pregnant) until I was 12 weeks. With shaking knees, a racing heart and a huge lump in my throat, holding back gripping fear and a flood of tears, I waited for the sonographer to type my name in and input how far along I "thought" I was, which felt like a freaking eternity. We began the ultrasound and instantly we could see a little baby playing, moving, heart beating. A perfect little life. The perfect life that brought more healing and redemption to our hearts, our sweet Ren. The one who redeemed life itself and gave me joy and hope again.
So at this appointment back in April of this year, I was scared, happy and trying to calm my nerves. We met with our OB and he was great. I told him our story and after long he told us to head over to get a scan so we could see our sweet little baby. With shaking knees and nerves that were unable to be calmed we began the scan and my world shattered again for a second time. I knew what I was supposed to see on that screen at 8 weeks along and it wasn't there. The baby stopped growing early on and once again my mind, heart and world filled with so much darkness. The darkest part of the journey was the fact that I was expecting that we could get pregnant again within 6 weeks, just like we did with Ren. When that wasn't the case, words don't even touch the hopelessness, worry and weight that I carried.
In July I had sort of come to terms with the idea that this just may take a while and with God's grace and strength I was just going to have to be be ok with it. I began to thank God for the healthy child that I did have and focus on the things in life that He had given me. The things that brought me joy like my family. It wasn't easy. It was so hard, so challenging to lay it all down and just believe that in the right timing we were going to have another baby one day.
August came and for a fourth time in my life, two pink lines appeared. This time I had left the pregnancy stick on the counter in the bathroom at 5 am one morning and went back to bed. Aaron found it after it had developed and told me I was pregnant. I wanted to be so happy and deep down I was, but there will always be fear there from the trauma we've experienced. I made an appointment right away. With shaking knees, trembling hands and a worried heart, I got to see for the very first time in my life what you are supposed to see on an ultrasound at 6 weeks. A little bean starting to grow and form. This time we heard a strong heartbeat. Relief and tears of joy. I just remember not even caring who was in the room. I shouted, "Praise God!!!" and then Aaron jumped up from his chair and got closer to the screen to see it himself. Things were redeemed as we saw a healthy life forming on the screen.
I just felt like we were supposed to share our story. Not for sympathy. Not for anything other than sharing. In the 4 months it took to get pregnant again, it was a place of darkness and deep pain. Anytime I logged online I would find that another friend was expecting and seemed to have not a care in the world. I feel there's strength in sharing. I know others are walking in this type of story right now and feel hopeless, maybe feeling the weight of it all. My hope is peace and redemption for each and every mother and woman.
We are now expecting a baby in April 2018, almost to the day of our 2017 miscarriage. I love the story of redemption. I love that even in the deepest and darkest places there is hope and He will always meet us there.
"And I didn't know I'd find You here
In the middle of my deepest fear, but
You are drawing near
You are overwhelming me with, peace
So I'll lift my voice and sing
You're gonna carry me through everything
You are drawing near
You're overwhelming all my fear with peace
Here in the middle of the lonely night
Here in the middle of the losing fight, You're
Here in the middle of the deep regret
Here when the healing hasn't happened yet
Here in the middle of the desert place
Here in the middle when I cannot see Your face
Here in the middle with Your outstretched arms
You can see my pain and it breaks Your heart"